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Tragic's Wake
Break The Silence
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I have a question. Is it weakness to hold on to something that isn’t anymore. Is it really stronger to just let go? I don’t know, I really don’t know. All I know is there is something I don’t really want to let go of. I might not hold so tight, but I can’t let go. Not yet, maybe not ever. Because I said ever and I mean things I say. That doesn’t change anything though. That doesn’t change the fact that it still isn’t.
Now I can’t help but feel that the strength comes from somewhere else. It comes from not holding on, but more like just knowing. Knowing and accepting how you feel. And then just living with the consequences of that. Just living on, and going on. I’m not talking about moving on. Moving on is a lie. You never really “move on.” All you do is continue on. You keep going, there is no reset. It’s not like you can make those feelings go away. I don’t think they ever go away. It is more like you just stop thinking about them. And soon you don’t feel it so often.
I sometimes wish I could do like some. Just forget I ever felt anything and maybe never feel again. I know I can’t do that. That would be a lie to myself and to the world. I can’t do that. So I just have to stand under it. Hold up the weight of this life and carry on. It is all anyone really can do. Everything else, every great accomplishment is just fluff. The real experience, the real life, that is what happens when all you accomplish is being true to the real you. Not the mask, not the fears of failure and loss, but the honest and real you.
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A perfect darkness. Just a simple thing. A place to hide away in. A place to scream or cry. Just that safe place where those masks of existence can be pulled off. Because sometimes it is just uncomfortable to be myself. I don’t know how many of you know what that’s like. To not want to be you, to not want to have lived your life. I sometimes wish I was someone else.
Then there are times when I am at peace with myself. When who I am is who i want to be. I accept me, and live with me. In those times I am great. A lion, strong, fearless and known. Those times are rare for I let the coldness of this world steal the heat of my fire. It’s a stupid, shitty, thing to do. It’s my fire, my strength. I should hold on to it most when I need it most.
I long to be strong. To be able to face these fears that plague my mind. They mock me from the dark corners of my brain. Poking the sensitive parts. My strength fails and I succumb to their little games. It happens every time. Let me find my purpose, and then I’ll find my strength.
